(in French accent): Someday soon, France will rule the globe.
(speaking French)
Finally... the entire world will have access to good bread.
Really good bread.
(speaking French)
(ominous music playing)
Black Pete: But it was too late.
(shouts): Blackbeard!
(all shouting)
Blackbeard was upon 'em.
-Whoa! -Black Pete: History's greatest pirate...
and my former boss.
(intense choral music plays)
No, no, no, no.
(gravelly voice): Look into the eyes of Blackbeard.
Wait, wait, so you're saying Blackbeard's head... is made of smoke?
When he needs it to be.
-(pirates groan) -Wow.
And his eyes glow?
Yes.
But do his eyes also float?
-'Cause his head is smoke. -I never said that they floated.
-And how big are they? -Uh, they're just regular eyes, but, uh...
You guys getting this?
-Pirates: Mmm. -Wow.
Anyway...
(grunts)
that's when I leapt into action.
(grunting)
(yelling)
-Ahh! -(splash)
Black Pete: And then, Blackbeard was like...
You saved my hide, Pete. I am forever in your debt.
Just happy to be on the team, Blackbeard.
From this day onward, you'll be known as the Dread Black Pete,
my right-hand man.
Oh, wow, imagine that.
(pirates groan, laugh)
I was with him until the flip.
We're not calling you the Dread Black Pete.
Wait... who's steering the ship?
-(loud creaking) -(all shouting)
(intense classical music plays)
(grunting)
-Did it move? -No, Cap'n.
Ugh, really? Not even a little?
We may need to start eatin' some of the crew.
I recommend we start with Lucius.
He's young and succulent, huh?
What?! Buttons...
we've just run aground. Happens to everyone.
We don't need to start eating each other.
Aye, no, no, of course not.
Not until... absolutely necessary.
It won't be necessary.
-Won't be necessary. -No.
Until it's absolutely necessary.
-Which it won't be. -No.
Please, assemble the crew.
We'll figure it out.
All right, Cap'n.
(grunting)
Ooh... Please move.
Bolloxed this one up well and good, eh, Baby Bonnet?
You're dead, and I'm not listening.
(mocking): Little Baby Bonnet broke
his little baby boat on the big bad beach.
-Fat-ass. -What?!
-I'm not even fat. -(restrained laugh)
Fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat
with your stupid, fat face, and your oily, fat head.
(inhales) Well, at least I'm alive.
You're a child with a toy.
Who's now a murderer.
-Murdering little-- -(yells): Enough!
As many of you have noticed,
we have run aground... a little bit.
-Are we gonna have to eat each other? -Most likely, aye.
No, no, we have plenty of food.
-For now. -For weeks.
We can eat for weeks, so there's no need to eat each other.
I'd like to view this as a holiday of sorts.
(puzzled chatter)
You know, a vacation.
What the hell's a vacation?
Oh, well, it's a, it's a period of leisure.
Your time is yours to do with as you please.
Perhaps, there's a hobby you enjoy.
Or maybe you do nothing at all.
The point is to rest our bodies...
as well as our minds.
What is the punishment if we don't?
No, there's no punish--
Look, there's literally no way to mess this up.
Just hit the beach, rest, and have fun.
Okay.
Can my vacation be torturing the hostages?
I was thinking more along the lines of relaxing activities.
Oh, I do find torturing hostages relaxing. Particularly this lot.
(hostages muttering)
I'll just take them to the brink of death. I won't go all the way.
Let's say no to torture. I think. For now.
I think perhaps take them for a walk?
Air them out. They are smelling a bit. Not your fault.
Why not... uh, bake 'em a pie,
and, and give 'em back rubs?
-Oh, is that what Blackbeard would do? -No!
He'd stick hot pokers up their assholes!
-Ooh! -Ooh, yeah, yeah.
Right, just the walk.
Thank you, though. Have fun!
Roach: Yeah, go!
Oh, Oluwande, Jim. Can I have a word?
I'm having a bit of a hard time adjusting to being a mur--
-a mur-- -Spit it out, you stuttering imbecile.
Mur-der-er.
-A murderer. -Oluwande: Eh?
You're not really a murderer though, are you?
I mean, you was, you was sort of... around when he died.
No, no, you're right to protect me.
But I callously and wantonly took a man's life.
And now I have to live with it.
But how does one... move past such a thing?
What's he saying?
He says you don't.-- You know, when you kill, y-you die as well.
-(clinks) -(grunts)
(grunting)
Good one.
Hey, guys! What on Earth are you doing?
-We're doing vacations. -We're unwinding.
That is not what I was talking about!
(chuckles)
Right. What are we doin' then?
Should we hit the beach?
Eh, I have a wax nose and a fake beard,
-so, uh, that'll kinda be like torture. -Yeah.
(clears throat) I'd absolutely murder someone for a bath.
I am starting to smell like the rest of you.
Oh, Captain has a tub.
If you want, I can, I can watch.
Um, keep watch
-like by the door. -No, I, yeah, I, I know.
-So no one comes in. -Jim: I know what you meant.
-I, I, I, yeah. Mm-hm. -Yeah.
Um...
-maybe we do our own things today? -Yep.
-Yep, cool. Sweet. -Let's do that.
Um, um, yeah.
Fuck off.
Okay, come on. Let's try a more calm activity.
Like lying flat on the beach in the sun.
Or, maybe I'll go and check the gunpowder?
Or, Wee John, you can just leave the gunpowder alone for today.
Eh, I'm gonna go check it.
-Captain! -Roach.
Need some clarification:
Are the hostages also on vacation?
They wish! No.
Prisoners don't get vacation.
-So, they can't do whatever they want then? -Captain Stede: No, no, no, no.
Roach: Ah.
Roach... where are the hostages right now?
They requested to take a pee, in private.
Captain Badminton: Pathetic.
(laughing)
(retching blood)
I'm forming a small search party
to retrieve the hostages from their pee.
Oluwande has agreed to join me.
And I need one more volunteer.
Black Pete?
Having Blackbeard's former right-hand man along would be a tremendous asset.
Yeah, right.
Can't argue with that.
All right.
This way.
Captain Stede: Blackbeard's murdered quite a few individuals, hasn't he?
Damn right.
How does he process that? Did he ever say?
When Blackbeard kills man, woman, or child
he just gets on with it.
It's like breathing for him.
Wait, he kills children?
Well, it has to be a really bad kid.
-He's not a bloody monster. -Oh, leave it.
You know you're the only one that believes he's worked for Blackbeard?
-No, really? -All right.
I've had about all I'm gonna take of that.
-Yeah? What are you gonna do about it? -Okay.
-I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it. -We're losing focus.
-Babyface. -Let's just keep walking.
-Hey! Don't! -Don't fucking call me babyface.
-He's callin' me babyface. -Babyface, babyface.
Well, Olu, don't take the bait.
(screaming)
-Captain Stede: Ah! No, no! -Oh my god!
-Help! -Stop shouting.
Help!
(cheering and laughing)
What are you whittling?
This... will eventually be a harpsichord.
Really?
(loud boom)
I love vacation!
No, it kinda resembles a sharp carrot.
Wanna wager I can name a thousand different sea creatures?
-Um, I'm not-- -Starfish!
Sea bass.
-Wild Alaskan salmon. -(loud explosion)
-Pufferfish. Spiny fish. -Fuck the beach!
Pomatomus saltatrix which is Latin for bluefish.
You got your tigerfish, dogfish.
Other kinds of jellyfish. Don't wanna get stang by one of them.
Send you into a tunnel of despair...
(tense music playing)
What kind of fuckin' idiot runs his ship aground?
And this lot managed to take English officers hostage.
Word is, yeah.
Fang: Spotted 'em on deck
before they ran aground.
Those hostages will fetch a pretty penny.
Let's take a closer look.
(Bonifacia speaking)
(Spanish guitar playing)
Fuck it.
(Spanish guitar continues)
Dugongs, noodlefish,
-sea lions, sea tigers, Loch Ness Monster-- -Izzy: Hello, friend.
I thought this isle were deserted.
It is, mostly.
We're merely humble wanderers passing through.
Is it just you then... in your party?
We've three more in a bush, plus a couple of hostages.
You're not ghosts, are ye?
(chickens clucking)
Captain Stede: Hello?
Uh, could someone fill us in on what's happening here, please?
-Anyone? -You're in a cage.
-Oh, you speak English. Wonderful. -Mm.
Look, there's been a misunderstanding.
We're actually looking for our hostages.
Two Englishmen. They smell a bit like stale urine?
-Captain Stede: Oh my god! -Oh, Christ! You savages!
No... there.
Ah. Yes, we, uh, we didn't think you'd eaten them.
(softly): Fucking racist.
-Hey! There he is. -Oluwande: Hey!
(laughing)
-Guard: Need anything? -Mm-mm, you're too kind. I'm good. Thank you.
-Just hangin' out. -Oluwande! Thank god!
-Hey! -They made you a drink?
Yeah, it's like a rum, pineapple, coconut thing.
-It's really good. Try some. -Ooh, yes.
-No? Oh. -Oh... sorry.
Anyway, I had a good old chat with the Chief.
Now, it seems the tribe's had a little trouble with...
light-skinned folks.
-Oh, the light-skins, dammit. -What sort of trouble?
You keep killing us.
Oh, but not us. We're not like that.
You can tell that to the Chief... at your trial.
-Trial? -What's that about a trial?
Oh, yeah, I wanted to tell you about that.
I'm sure it's just a formality.
Oh... no.
It's not a formality, sorry.
♪ ♪
Ugh, goddammit.
Uh, the Meeting of The Elders is convened.
You guys have anything to say for yourselves before we begin?
Yes, uh... I think there's been a misunderstanding.
We're not colonizers.
They are.
We're pirates...
not even particularly murderous ones, at that.
Yeah. (chuckles)
Well, we've kinda heard that one before.
First time light-skins, uh,
wiped out the tribe, shame on them.
The eighth time? Shame on us.
It's nothing personal... All right,
have any of you, uh, killed anyone recently?
-Mmm. -He has.
This insane person somehow managed to murder our captain.
Black Pete: Stabbed him right through the face.
Look at my head, Baby Bonnet.
You've ruined my head.
I probably have children, Bonnet.
Maybe even several, who knows?
They'll never see Papa again.
(screams) I'm a murderer!
I'm a dirty, filthy murderer!
Take me away! I admit it!
Uh, Chief, maybe, we should have a break?
-Yeah. -(Captain Stede wails)
He's clearly very unwell.
-So, he didn't kill anyone? -Nah.
He struck a man with a paperweight.
-The rest was just gravity. -Pff, called it.
No, you didn't.
Maybe I didn't say it out loud,
but I called it in my mind.
Oluwande: That doesn't make sense.
You can't call something in your mind.
It defeats the purpose of calling.
To be fair, I didn't,
didn't fully kill the man.
And my, my crew was under threat.
(sighs) But still, he haunts me.
Do you feel badly this man is dead?
Honestly? No.
He was horrible, even as a little boy.
Perhaps this guilt concerns something else?
♪ ♪
Captain Stede: Goodbye, children. I love you.
Elder: Everything... is coming from you.
Until you resolve this guilt,
you'll continue to be haunted.
But there is no ghost 'cause they don't exist.
He's right, of course... Idiot.
Why does he keep insulting me?
Elder: Do you feel inadequate in some way?
Good news. We've decided you pose no threat to our people.
Only to yourselves because you're mediocre pirates.
-No offense. -No, you're right.
So you're free to go.
Thank you.
Great! In that case...
we'll take our hostages and leave.
Oh, no, they're long gone.
Excuse me?
Yeah, we sold 'em to some guys.
Right then... your ship is this way.
Black Pete: Wait, you can't just sell our hostages.
Oluwande: We've gotta get them back.
Don't ask what Blackbeard would do.
You're not up for it.
Captain Badminton: Just call it, old chump. You're in over your head.
You crash the boat, you lose the hostages.
It's just-- It's all so...
Pathetic!
lily-livered little rich boy.
And that's all you'll ever be, Stede Bonnet.
I am adequate.
-Oluwande: I'm sorry? -I said, let's get our damned men back.
The hostages, I mean.
-Yeah, we, we got it. -I got it, yeah.
Lucius (shouts): I saw nothing!
It's important you know how much I didn't see!
Ah! No, please! Are you gonna kill me?!
-Absolutely. -No, look,
I'm incredible at keeping secrets.
My mom thought I liked girls for years.
Yeah? The best secret keepers are corpses.
(screams): No, wait!
(breathing heavily) Okay.
Look... Whatever you're going through right now,
it's none of my business.
But I understand what it's like to live in disguise.
Okay? Let's just say...
not all beards are actual beards, if you get my drift.
-What? Ah! -Oh god! I'm sorry!
-I'm sorry! -Oh, you are so fucking dead!
Izzy: Come on, keep moving. Hurry up.
Oh, look. Who the hell are those guys?
I don't know, but they look much tougher than us.
Pff, tougher than you, maybe.
Oh, okay.
Why don't you go down there and confront them then, big man.
-The strongest out of us. -Enough! Shh, guys.
I-- They have backup.
Okay, here's the plan.
What is it then?
-Mm? -The plan.
Oh, uh, shh, it's coming.
A diversion... okay?
-A diversion is what we need to do. -Yeah...
Yeah, but you said, "I've got a plan,"
as if you-- You gotta just go with it.
Shh!
Release us now, and I'll ensure you're spared
a painful death at the hands of our king.
Ooh, what say you, Fang?
(chuckles) I'm your king now, bitch.
(officer groans)
Captain Stede: Good day, gents.
I believe we have dibs on those men.
Dibs, you say?
Yes. So, please, hand them over.
Quick as you can. Oh, and by the way,
I will not be trifled with,
so don't even think about trifling me.
You're trifling me. I'm warning you.
Don't trifle. Don't you trifle.
Ooh!
(sword slicing)
You're quite skilled.
This is how you die.
(high-pitched whimper)
-Captain Stede: Do you hear that? -Oluwande: This is the ghost
of the forest!
I didn't know this isle was haunted.
It's obviously one of your men.
-But is it? -Yes, it is.
(whispers): But is it?
-(shouts): Ivan! -Oi, it's an island...
not a forest!
Ugh!
(Black Pete yells)
I've already ruined one man's head this week,
and believe me, I'll do it again.
Believe him. He's quite insane.
He does have the eyes of a madman.
Sorry, you do.
What are your demands?
Well, I was thinking...
a compromise.
I'm listening.
Well, uh... we'd be willing to
give up one of the men
if that would prevent further bloodshed.
I think he broke my nose. My nose is broken.
Oh, and by the way,
you are completely surrounded.
My entire crew... is just beyond these trees.
Upon my signal, unleash hell!
Fine.
There's always another way to resolve things, isn't there?
Stede Bonnet... Pirate Captain.
Izzy Hands.
This isn't over, Mr. Bonnet.
Good...
'cause I kind of enjoyed it.
-Okay, get back. On my mark. -Mm-hm.
-Go, go! Quickly! -(all laughing)
Pirates, my ass.
(grunting, yelling)
Ah, here we go. Easy.
Well, it's time we took our leave.
Some men are not built for adventure.
Some men should concern themselves with gentler things.
I'm not sure what that has to do with the price of fish,
-but I suppose-- -What I am saying is...
you're more gentleman than pirate.
-Ship's ready, Captain. -Ah, lovely!
Keep well, my friend.
You're welcome to stay with us, if you'd like.
He's gonna get you all killed.
That's very kind...
and accurate.
But I can't.
I've, kind of got someone on the, on the ship.
Ahh.
-You're in love. -What? No. Shut up. It's just...
It's just my friend. (chuckles)
♪ ♪
(sighs) It's just my friend.
I'm out.
You'll never amount to anything, Baby Bonnet!
-You will forever be damned! -What's that now?
-Captain Badminton: Damned! -I can't--
(inaudible)
Can't hear you.
Why can't one be a gentleman and a pirate?
A Gentleman Pirate.
Ooh, that rings.
Boy, I've had an epiphany! Where are you?!
I need you to write something down!
Where is that boy?
(tense music playing)
Ooh! Oh god! No, please! I have this whole thing with my back.
Guess I was just hiding in plain sight, huh?
(yelps)
(ominous music playing)
Well, there go those fancyboys.
Shame we couldn't murder 'em.
Even a little bit of murder would've been nice.
-Yeah. -Captain says follow that ship.
Oh, really? Why?
How should I know? The man's half insane.
Just do it.
No one asked you to fuckin' think.
Fang: I hate it when he does that.
It really hurts.
Ivan: You should say somethin' about it.
Fang: Ah, what's the point?
I can't believe that Blackbeard wants to meet that ponce.
Ivan: What a knob.
(epic music playing)
(choir vocalizing)
(thunder rumbling)
("Messa Da Requiem: Dies Irae" by Verdi playing)
♪ ♪